I know you've been sick for almost three weeks now. I bet the continous rain during your recent working trip to China has made matters worse for you.
Last night, you asked me if I wasn't worried about you. I assume this question was asked in the context that cancer does travel, and the lungs can be one possible loci for the next growth (God forbid! *knocks on wood*). It has happened to many people, yes, and I know you are scared that it might happen to you.
The weird thing about all this is that we've never really talked about your condition. We were both hospital-bound last year: me for my cholelithiasis, and you for Breast CA IIB. It's been a horrible year for both of us, emotionally and financially. But hell, it doesn't matter. We were lucky to have people who helped us, and hey! We're celebrating another Christmas together like we've always done before.
Allow me to say that I am sorry for always leaving your side during your chemo sessions before. I just couldn't bear seeing you like this - you who have always been a brave, strong woman. Just thinking of the many things you've done in your life - leaving home in order to study in faraway places, taking huge risks and yet achieving the ends despite the weight of the means. Sometimes I think this is not you. This couldn't be you.
But this is you now. This is a fact I should face squarely.
You always ask if I have dreams for both us. Back in college, you always asked if you were part of my long-term plans. The problem with living apart for the greater part of my life is that we've never learned to commuinicate our feelings to each other. You know it too well, and you always say that I tend to keep things to myself. In fact, I do. Not just from you, but from everyone else as well. Somehow, I have ways to deal with issues by myself. I learned all that by growing up and living away from you. Of course I only have you to thank for what I have become now. I have no regrets whatsoever about what we've both been through - and I also remember Nana Noning, my yaya, when I say this. We've survived all these years and guess what, I bet we still have long years ahead to spend together!
And now the answer(s) to your question(s): Yes, I worry about you. I worry about you all the time. And I totally blame myself for not taking clear and definite action on a lot of things in the past 7 years or so. For once, i'm putting it on record that I am sorry. In fact, I've been sorry long enough to put an end to this stalemate as regard my career. I have made medium-term plans as to my own directions in the next 5 years, and I hope to see you retiring within that time frame. Like you know, draw and paint again as you used to do back in Bukidnon.
I do love you, Mom. Things wouldn't be the same without you around, so thank you so much for not giving up on me just yet! Be strong even if I know it's difficult. I'm just here for you in many ways possible. But I guess you know and feel that already :-)
Your son, Dylan
P.S. I found this nice video from the blog my dearest friend, Dr. Greenleaf, who is currently undergoing her chemo sessions.