MY MIND WANDERS

My mind wanders far
into the white clouds I soar
the world looks peaceful

THIS HOUSE IS EMPTY(ING) NOW

I have been busy packing stuff lately for my eventual move to Antipolo. It's becoming a pain as the day goes by because aside from the fact that I am not really getting the help I need (just the sight of a wall-full of DVDs is daunting enough), I have to quite literally pick up the pieces of a tragic 2007. The clothes of my late mother and yaya have been picked up yesterday by aunts from Laguna for distribution (to whom I have no idea). I have started to throw away things I know I won't need anyway, and hopefully sell some stuff that are still in excellent condition. I really just want to bring as few items as possible. In fact I have no plans of unpacking once I get to my new place. Everything will remain in their boxes until I have purchased a place I can call my own. Antipolo seems like a nice place to live in, although my heart is really in Manila.

I have been talking to my dog (you know, owner-pet relationship) and telling him of the huge space he'd be running around in once I start working at the farm. That'd be 2.5 hectares of unexplored territory for a dog whose life practically was the stairs and the dining room where he stays more often. He seems excited about the prospect. I hope he gets to mate soon because he's been having more hard-ons lately (it looks really gross). My aunts haven't been spared the embarrassment of being pumped during their vacation last week. Oh, well. Kahayupan talaga.

It's already the 21st and that's 8 days to go before my lease expires. I have practically vacated mom's room (the most difficult of all to work on) and my yaya's room is next. My song for the week is Elvis Costello's This House is Empty Now. How appropriate.

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WHOAH

Here's a post from Dean Jorge Bocobo. This was posted re the post below. Wow. Thanks so much, sir, for dropping by!


Three ducks in a pond,
The blue sky beyond,
White clouds on the wing.
What a little thing
to remember for years.
To remember with tears

POND(ER)

An old pond!
A frog jumps in-
The sound of water.

- Matsuo Basho

STOP AND SMELL THE FLOWERS

Without flowing wine
How to enjoy lovely
Mango blossoms?

SAD

Found this pretty little thing squashed on the red floor at the gazebo. So sad. Somebody must have stepped on it.

"Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it." - W. Somerset Maugham

GETTING INTO THE GROOVE OF THINGS...

Finally had the chance to work at my new desk at the farm today, February 13. I finished several forms, i.e. forms for the staff's personal information (which we have none of), incident / complaint forms, and even monitor sheets for lavatory maintenance. I am so intellectually stimulated right now (oh, yeah! Bring it on!) that I have decided to start working on the job descriptions for the issuance of contracts for the non-permanent staff.

Anyway, I have posted some photos of my work station. The farm just got me a 19" flat screen LCD Samsung monitor (very fitting for a size queen - kidding!) and approproated this circa 1911 Chinese elm wood desk shipped from Hong Kong in 2004 for my use. Very nice. I have to be careful about having moisture or water destroying the surface.

The new desk lamp is nice. We got it from Blims on a sale. It's got this retro feel about it that I like very much. I only want warm yellow light when I work.

The vase is made of multi-colored rubber pads that I got many, many years ago during a export overrun sale in Malate. The brass incense stand is a nice little piece I got long before Nayong Pilipino closed. It's got two dragon heads for handles. I saw some of this being sold in this antique shop in Megamall and they were going for Php 2,000 each! Ugh. Maybe I got mine for a steal back then (or maybe mine is a repro, but who gives a fig). The papyrus stalk I got from the swamp earlier this afternoon.

I wish I could keep my desk clear and clean all the time.

AND NOW, A FEW WORDS FROM OUR SPONSOR...

Closing Cycles by Paulo Coelho

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters – whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back. Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts – and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place. Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.” Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life.

Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.

Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

EGAD.

Yesterday, February 7, I finally found a new place to transfer to. It's just a studio space, something like twice my Mom's former room in Las Piñas and a little smaller (methinks) than the space I have now - the attic - which I call my room. Those who have been to my room say how large it was. This is because of the high ceilings and the nice window facing the street. And yes, that small door that leads to a small veranda on the roof. Perfect for balmy nights, just sitting out there and watching the night sky.

The place I found is on the second floor of a large house in the same village where my new employer's office is located. What I liked about it is that it's just a spitting distance from the village gate, that it has a balcony overlooking the street (except that this balcony is also the alley leading to my neighboring studio unit where I was told a lady lives alone. (I haven't met her yet. I hope she is nice.), and that my windows are wooden and done in the French style, which kind of reminded me of our house in Cagayan de Oro.

The thing is, the bathroom cum toilet is just 1/4th of what I have at the moment. Shockingly cramped. The shower head - egad! - was placed right across the toilet seat (which means you can do two things at the same time). And the tiles are dark green so it's dark (obviously), which will definitely kill my habit of reading in the bathroom (and brainstorming, too).

Well, the space definitely calls for a Queer-Eye-for-A-Straight-Guy moment. I wish that the owners (the mother, who I got to chat with on the phone this morning, sounded really nice; one can't really say the same for their daughters!) will allow me to repaint the room as it is done in green and white at the moment. I doubt that they will allow that as green appears to be the color of choice for this room (remember the bathroom tiles?) but the entire house is in white and blue. Surreal.

All my exposure to home decoration (thanks to Real Living and Metro Homes) will surely be tested. I just remembered that I didn't see a cabinet for clothes. My new employer have already offered the services of the carpenter. Goodie.

My real problem now is how to cram a three-story house worth of stuff into a studio room? May God and the universe help me.

TOUCHED FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME...

I read in a forum thread that Justin Timberlake will be in Manila in March, Madonna in April (whaaat?!), and Harry Connick, Jr. in May.

Whoah.

Hope the rumors become true.


Note: None of the Madonna fans I know believe that The Madge is really coming. In fact, nakipag-away na ako and I was insisting that I just read it and that mine wasn't THE official announcement. Talk about shooting the messenger. Silly.

KIONG HEE HUAT TSAI!!!

JANUARY 28, 1980

Dear Son,

At your age now, you act like a big boy. You still lisp, but you're trying hard on your own to produce "S". You enjoy mixing your own milk because you like to see the "apoy-apoy" when milk mixes with water. You mean, of course, the cloud-like formation of milk as you pour it into a glass of water.

You reason a lot.

You can recognize numbers 1-10, several of the alphabets and colors blue, red, green, yellow, pink. Yesterday, you got a new pair of black shoes. You like eating Mom's papaya lumpia but dislike the sauce.

DID THE KIDS ENJOY THE RED BALLOON?

Hi,

This is in response to your message “How did the kids react to MY red balloon?” – Don’t worry, it is yours, all yours. Sounds like you bought the copyright in Divisoria.

The kids laughed at different parts of the movie.

Tinanong ko sila pagkatapos ng palabas kung mayroon silang katanungan. Sabi nila wala naman daw silang tanong. Pero alam kong may mga tanong sila, tulad ng mga ito:

1. Bakit walang dumating na superhero o kahit bioman man lamang sa huli? Pulis kaya?

2. Bakit hindi miyembro si Pascal ng BMP (Batang Maninirador ng Paris), saang tribu siya kabilang?

3. Bakit nakatali sa poste ang lobo? Balak ba niyang bitayin ang sarili?

4. Mas maganda ba ang ending kung bumuka na lang ang lupa at kinain ang mga bullies? O kaya minasaker ng mga lobo ang mga bata? (gusto ko yung ipupulupot ng mga lobo yung tali nila sa leeg ng mga bata, ok di ba?)

5. Bakit sa Paris lang galing ang mga rumispondeng balloons? Sila lang ba ang na-grouptext ni Pascal? Mahina ba ang network coverage noon?

6. Magkano ang talent fee ng red balloon? Nag-audition ba siya at natalo ang iba pang balloons?

7. Bakit walang nakasulat na ‘Happy Birthday’ sa mga lobo? Kahit isa man lang?

8. Kapag may isa akong lobo at inapakan ko ito, dadami ba ang aking lobo? Hindi? Bakit unfair ang mundo?

9. Ano ang kasarian ng red balloon?

10. Bakit walang farewell speech ang lobo tulad sa lahat ng movies na nakakapagsalita pa ang bida bago mamatay?

I wrapped-up the story for them but I did not discuss it in detail because it is up for many interpretations. Sa 22 na lang tayo mag-discuss in detail.

Sa tingin ko lima ang moral lesson ng story:

1. Don’t leave your balloons unattended.

2. Dapat pinapayungan ang lobo kapag umuulan.

3. Masayang manirador ng lobo.

4. Bawal sumakay ng jeep/bus kapag may kasamang lobo.

5. Masarap makipaghabulan sa mga bullies.

Putol ang kuwento, maaaring isa sa mga limang ito ang tunay na katapusan:

1. Nakilala ni Pascal si Dorothy at ang Wizard of Oz. And they lived happily ever after.

2. Buhay pa ang lobo dahil may natira pang tali, nagalit ito dahil hindi siya isinama sa sky trip ng mga kumag. Gayunpaman, nakatagpo siya ng bagong kaibigan nang gamitin siya bilang tali sa kotse-kotsehan ng isa pang bata.

3. Pagbaba ni Pascal, hinuli siya at ikinulong dahil sa pagnanakaw nang pagkadami-daming lobo. Lalabas na yata siya sa bilangguan this year.

4. Inilabas ng mga bullies ang kanilang mga baril at pinaputukan ang iba pang lobo. Nahulog si Pascal. Kawawang bata talaga. Malas siya ng araw na iyon.

5. Bumangga si Pascal sa Eiffel Tower. Gayunpaman hindi ito naging hadlang sa kanyang paglaki. Nagising siya sa katotohanaang hindi siya makakatakas mula sa mundo dahil sa gravity na hindi kayang alpasan ng mga lobo. Naging kilala siya at yumaman bilang tagatanggap ng royalty fee ng ‘The Red Balloon’. Speechless pa rin siya hanggang ngayon.

Nobody cried; prompting me to suggest to you that there might be some problem with your lacrimal glands.

P.S. Wala akong pakilaam kung magkaiba ang oras ng HDI at CIS. Marami na akong prinoproblema, tulad ng -- ano kaya ang nangyari sa blue balloon? Sumama kaya siya sa diaspora?

Tigilan mo na,

JP

WHAT TO DO ALL WEEK?

I got forwarded this email from someone at work who intially thought I actually wrote it. I don't know what to make of her comment.

_____________________________
Here is an exercise program for those of us whose wisdom exceeds our ambition. The doctor told me "Physical exercise is good for you." I know that I should do it, but my body is out of shape, so I have worked out this easy daily program I can do anywhere. If I can do it, you can do this, too.

Monday:
Beat around the bush.
Jump to conclusions.
Climb the walls.
Wade through paperwork.

Tuesday:
Drag my heels.
Push my luck.
Make mountains out of molehills.
Hit the nail on the head.

Wednesday:
Bend over backwards.
Jump on the bandwagon.
Balance the books.
Run around in circles.

Thursday:
Toot my own horn.
Climb the ladder of success.
Pull out the stops.
Add fuel to the fire.

Friday:
Open a can of worms.
Put my foot in my mouth.
Start the ball rolling.
Go over the edge.

Saturday:
Pick up the pieces.

LIBERATION DAY

For the first time, I was able to find time for myself. Naks. May ganoong drama talaga. But really, I've never felt this free before. It only happened when I finally handed in that long overdue resignation letter.

And siempre, what better way to spend the day than to read, read, read. Hanged out at the Java Man at Powerbooks Greenbelt and devoured two books while lazily picking on the most boring and soggy apple pie I've eaten in my entire life.

Nevertheless, I finished Voltaire's CANDIDE (eyeloveit! So sarcastic! So amusing!) and Alex Garland's 2004 book, THE COMA (a fine material for a film, but it will not sell) in just four hours. After that, I did a tour of the new Greenbelt V and took photos for my other blog.

I can't wait for my next day off.

FIN.

As of this writing, I will have submitted my resignation from the company I am currently working for. I've been here for close to four years (by May 4) and it's actually the first job where I've stayed the longest. The past jobs were all attempts at taking control of my life and my future. Testing the waters, 'ika nga. BC called my resignation "a courageous act." Indeed. The office is just near my place in Las Piñas and it's already a comfort zone for me. The work schedule is in three shifts so it allows me to do some work on my business. Truth be told, it's difficult to leave it because it's so easy to stay (save for the issue on salary making J call it "a dead-end job").

By March 1, I will be assuming a far bigger role. I will be directly handling at least 15 staff (who currently are divided into two cliques - what? Problems already?) in running a 2.5-hectare events venue east of Manila. It pays so much more, too, and the owners have allowed me to continue doing my business. Only this time, it will become an in-house service. I will have to beg off from doing projects outside this venue for a year or so.

FOUR things: It saddens me to be so far from friends and loved ones. Sabi ko nga kay J, what are trains for? However, moving to Cainta, Rizal also allows me to move on from what have been a disastrous 2007. As you all know by now, I lost my Mom and my Yaya last year. What was once a happy home felt so empty all of a sudden that I end up crying all the time. That has come to an end. I have informed my landlord that I am staying only until the end of February, which is the 29th. My friends from work have offered help to pack. D.M. has offered to get the truck (Php 2,500 rent from LP to Cainta is not bad). I am going to look for a new apartment this Saturday. I hope to be able to get a two-floor, two-bedroom affair so my chef cousin can visit me more often.

Also, taking on this new job effectively signals my abandonment of my medical career (or whatever's left of it; not that it's been ever started). I now belong to the statistics of people who have "frustrated dreams" and will just pass these on to their kids or nephews. I have already inquired online to see if I can still pursue my M.S. in Environmental Health, but the UP Open University isn't offering it yet. Tsk. My only days off are Mondays and Tuesdays. No way I can attend class in Taft with my new work schedule.

4 years in this company. Our unit number is 14. February 29 only happens every four years. Four. It sounds like death in the Chinese vocabulary (Si). Weird coincidence, but I am not very superstitious. I only look forward to a new life this 2008.

SERIOUSLY?!

What Dylan Means

You are balanced, orderly, and organized. You like your ducks in a row. You are powerful and competent, especially in the workplace. People can see you as stubborn and headstrong. You definitely have a dominant personality. You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in. You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising. You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care. You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow. You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily. Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

Got this from Ruby.

IT'S A LOMO WORLD!

Super thanks to Ruby. Taken with a Colorsplash camera.

FAREWELL, YAYA!

Sinona Esguerra,(?) - 2007
Faithful Yaya, Friend, and Family Member

As you may probably know by now, I lost my yaya last December 29. She's had mismanaged Congestive Heart Failure (CHF) for several years now. When she returned to us in 2004, she was being treated for asthma but in April of 2007 when I had her checked up, it turned out that there was no asthma at all but rather, CHF.

I really do not have much to say as of this moment except to thank everyone who attended the cremation, as well as those who rushed to the house upon hearing the news. We also make special mention of a blogger friend, S, who sent money before for her treatment and to M.S. for helping with the bills.

We were alone at home, and she expired in my arms. Two deaths in a year in my household. That's more than I could possibly bear at the moment.

I pray to God that He, in his infinite mercy, put Nana Noning in the presence of His Grace for all eternity, that He take care of her in more ways than I could possibly do when she was still on earth.

She was very good to us, to me. We didn't deserve her. We are forever thankful and will remember her fondly as long as we live.

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